guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He passed out mid-signature
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
