And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
