alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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