its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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