question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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