Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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