went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
