dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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