I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I deserve this hangover.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
