The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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