Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
