She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I woke up under a house in Key West
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