I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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