After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
