ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
