My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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