I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
