My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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