2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
