i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she pinky promised me she was 18
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
