I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
