at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
