i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Randomize
