everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
