This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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