So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
