So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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