So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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