woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
