There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
