There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
