why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i wish my penis had a tongue
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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