I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
