Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
