Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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