there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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