A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
