I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
