So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize