i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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