Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
