we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
