Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Someone shit on the floor
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
