You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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