I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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