Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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