I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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