Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
