I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
And then he peed in my hair
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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