I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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