so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
