I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
