Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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