Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
