i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
