Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
