i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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