You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
