Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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