On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
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