As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
