I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
