i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
